Only a mothe r could love this liver
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you never un-have a 4some
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
