You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The power of my boobs compel you
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
