census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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