I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
