I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
