Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
