you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
