sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we made out on top of his cat.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
