i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
