Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
