This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
