God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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