When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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