If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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