She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
