I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
