The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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