so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Shame - the story of my life.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
