i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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