i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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