I showed him my bush... on skype.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
