some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I've blown a few things in my day
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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