Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
