I'm jealous of your bromance
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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