Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
