Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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