Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
