I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
