Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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