I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
