cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
