i already hear my dad disowning me
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
