So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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