There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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