I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
