I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
