In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
