Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
