I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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