there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
