I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Randomize
