"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
