just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
