I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
