you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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