It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
