I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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