I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
