he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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