you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
